I Should Learn to Keep My Mouth Shut...

Lol, so I'll start this off by saying sorry that I haven't posted, it's been kind of a long summer for me. I meant to post more but... well I've had tons of medical issues, as well as tons of family, economic, girl, social issues etc. etc. However I don't think I exactly have a regular fan base of readers yet so it's ok :). Anyway I posted a Facebook status the other night, that was probably stupid haha, I was just pissed at this girl and I think I said something along the lines of "women are depreciating assets". HOWEVER! What I was really saying is that girls can't expect to get with douchebag jock, bro tool, asswipes (like myself) and then expect men who've become successful (who were probably nerds in high school and college) to want to marry them? Why should they have to settle, makes no sense, and while I'll be successful; there's no bloody way I'm getting with some tramp and marrying her, making babies with her after she's got a counter of like 200 jock d-bags on her arse. I mean cmon, what do i look like a schmuck?

I went to a party on Friday night at Sigma Alpha Epsilon, it was an excellent party! I had a lot of fun, met some great people. I walked in with four girls to make myself look better to the frat guys (especially since I'm thinking of rushing their house next year). However what these girls did rather interested me, they made little plans, and made sure they winged each other for the guys they wanted. All the guys they picked were "generically attractive' so I said to myself "man if girls don't want to put in the effort for me, why on earth would I give them the time of day as I gain power?" So I did what I usually do, popped numbers, drank a bit, and then met my new late night booty call after I dropped my sister off (she didn't suspect a thing!).

My butt still hurts quite a bit, and it's still bleeeeeeding mate! Also my ostomy bags aren't really attaching properly on one side :/, I'm not entirely sure what to do about that. I hope I'm still going to be ok, but hey if it falls off at the gym or something I'll def let y'all know! Also my stealth belt isn't doing all that great, bloody thing won't attach on one side of the flange. They really don't stand up to wear and tear all that great, although I do live kind of a crazy life style.

Anyway, back to studying for my real estate exam, it comes up on Friday after my small claims case against a stupid asshole who owes me money, I'm very excited! I love going to court, It's kind of a wonderful experience. Also my business partner just showed a 875,000 house and he just started. I'm going to make so much money :), and all of it will go into my idea of cybernetically engineering the digestive system. Someday may we be free of these damnable bags my brothers!

Just remember guys out there, if you've had your heart broken, it probably means you gave the girl too much power over you. You should never, EVER, give them power over you. If that sounds sexist? Fuck em, I don't hate women, lord knows I love girls, but I won't let them control me. Pride of the Elite my friends. 

Sorry It's Been Such a Long Time... BUT I'M STILL BLEEDING OUT OF MY BUTT!!! Oh and I Hate Women

Sorry, lol, it's not just because my stupid butt wound hasn't healed up (even though I'm minus every organ down there and above, so go figure). I've also been incredibly busy with the brokers exam studying and promotions stuff, plus girls.

I... actually had a girlfriend, for a week. Obviously I can't hold down a relationship, I'm very good at getting girls but as my old friend Buckner used to say, "Saleem my dear man, you have no followthrough whatsoever". He's kind of right, I think my longest relationship was freshman year of high school; and it was like three months? If even that haha. I guess people have to cut me some slack since I was so ridiculously sick for SO LONG! I was kind of just in that survivor mentality for five years straight, which is kind of traumatic so to speak. I think I may still be in it right now, see with girls I operate on a few principles that have made my life much easier. I'll go into that detail now.

First off I want to say this is going to make me sound like a douchebag, I get that, don't really care either. I almost died from Colitis, I could care less if some wanker thinks I'll burn in hell for how I treat women. Now I wasn't popular in high school, like whatsoever. I got like ZERO girls in high school, I was too much of a loser to find a date to prom, naddameannnnn? Ok so maybe I'm being a bit harsh, I... wanted what the douchebag jocks had, I couldn't be like them; even though lets be frank I'm damn skilled athletically (now anyway). My sickness prevented me from doing a lot, and I needed a girl on my side back then! But oh no, Saleem was too much of a loser to date huh? Or even give a shot? So I'll say this here once and I'll say it again at the end of my post (might even post it on facebook later) "monsters are not born, they're created; time and circumstances will change a man into what he despises the most".

Principle 1: Since we know the jocks and the bro tools get all the girls, dress like em! I find myself wearing bro tanks like four days out of the week these days (they're really comforatable...).

Principle 2: Treat all hot girls like absolute garbage, girls say they don't want a douchebag but I am living proof that statement is a flat out lie; my douchebaggy ways have earned me the vaginas of many a girl out of my league ;) (if i believed in the league).

I'll think of more principles as the blog posts go on, just don't hate me too much guys; remember these hot girls that I'm fucking DESERVE to get treated like shit! They're the hot, preppy, popular girls from our high schools that never gave you the time of day, so when I break their hearts? We're striking a blow for the brotherhood of the underdogs. Also I'm striking the jocks from the inside as well, bastards think they run things? Nuh uh, infiltration will be my weapon against them! Muahahahahahah. Although honestly I don't really have time for this shit anymore, lol. I guess this is more of my quick rant for poor Mat and all of my other mates always losing out, I keep telling them this is how it is; but they don't listen :/. So they may remain pretty much chaste for the rest of our college days.

Oh I need to post some pictures of my promotions thing at Dragonfest! Super fucking fun, and I got to see my bosses thong ;).

This Blog Post is Signed Saleem Juma, an ex nerdy, ex geeky, underdog, ex fat kid, with a bag, who was sick for many years, who has extremely tough and strict conservative parents, who has been paying for everything himself since he was fourteen and who fought for everything he ever had after being wronged unjustly many times by those who were silver spoon fed their entire lives. Monsters are not born, they are in fact created by time and circumstances; that drive men to what they fear and despise most. 

Parents Out of Town? Party Like It's 1965 ;)

Well I'm sitting here writing this, utterly terrified because my parents come home in approximately two hours. We did a damn good cleanup job, dishes, mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, taking pictures of where stuff was and putting it back, my buddy Max took all the trash bags so the garbage's are empty. We literally spent like five hours doing it and spot checking ourselves (with lots of cig breaks) just because my alcohol is forbidden in my religion and my parents also specifically ordered me not to have even one person in the house (I had like thirty, which is really small for one of the party kings infamous ragers, we're talking 200+). I just want to make sure I don't get caught, it seems like my old man and I are getting along great these days and I'd rather not screw that up.

I really wasn't planning on having anything at all, my infection still isn't completely healed and I'm STILL bleeding a shitload out of my stitched together butt, plus I'm having pouch issues -_-. Little leaks here and there out of the bottom, never enough to actually get out of the fully rolled together pouch velcro (so nobody ever notices a thing). Plus my pouch has started falling off every once in awhile when i open the auto-lock mechanism to rotate it for drains (I'm using the stealth belt). Matter of fact it happened when I was with this girl... We were hooking up in my room when the rest of my mates dipped out and the ones that were too inebriated just passed out on couches; I went to do a quickie empty and BOOM, mess everywhere (thanks "King"). I'm super able to cope now though, quick clean up job and usually only my belt gets a bit dirty, just cleans right off and i hair dry it afterwards.

I did get action twice this week :D, one was this Skyline girl my mate Mat brought over, we made out on a dare Wednesday night and then Friday it seemed she was a bit more interested so... I pulled her up stairs and she ended up staying the night. Funny thing though too apparently my buddy Angel was telling me she was talking mad shit about me half the night when I was hanging with some other girls, said I was an ass, a douchebag, and a pompous bro tool. Funny ha...ha...ha... BECAUSE I'M NOT! It maddens me though (and proves my point) that total assholes get the girls. Matter of fact last night this super cute blonde from Ohio was in town with her cousin from Skyline and she said we wouldn't be more than friends, "she wasn't looking for a hookup". Strangely enough I managed to pull her hahahaha, although I was actually going for her cousin and Angel was going for her. Weird how that works out, but back to my point; girls may say they're not looking for a dbag, but THEY TOTALLY ARE! I've been doing this for years now and I gotta say, I totally wish I could be the nice guy; but they just don't win and I utterly refuse to friend zone myself; EVER, PERIOD.

Someday I can stop fighting, someday I can get up in the morning and not have to go out there and hustle five jobs, modeling, real estate, brand promotion, writing and acting. Someday I can stop having to hookup with every girl I meet. I don't do these things because I like doing them, I'm fighting for change. I feel like nobody gives a flying fuck about people that are sick and suffering. I'm going to use all the money I make to cybernetically engineer replacement digestive systems. As for the parties and girls that's all about respect. The connections I get and make everyday prove that even with a poop bag, I can; and am ten times better than the rest. I'll never stop fighting for my people, NEVER!!!

Annnnyways, hopefully I don't get caught on this whole party thing (and I likely won't if the neighbors don't rat me out). I have two dates with really bomb girls :D, plus it's the week of the 4th, which means there's tons to do!

Empties: Four so far

Burps: One

Never forget the social stigma people have towards you, or the bitterness that you feel because of it. Let it drive you, inspire you; defeat them on their terms, on their basest level to drive in the strength and courage that they lack, that you have because of your years of suffering. 

INFECTION, QUARANTINE ALERT!

Well not really I suppose. But I am bleeding out of my butt and it HURTS LIKE BLOODY HELL! Reminds me of my colitis days... Docs have me on a heavy dose of Cipro and Hydromorphone to combat the infection and pain, I hate the fucking morphine, it makes me feel like shit and sweat balls (literally and metaphorically).

Other than the infection things are going rather smoothly, I have a couple girls coming over this week since my parents are out of town in Cancun ;). Although the thing is I'm a bit terrified to take my pants off... I guess we'll just have to see how things go? 

Warped Tour was a major success, I got paid for the full shift after working for like three hours (made quite a tidy sum). Listened to some great bands, got a free e-cig and lots of trojan gear plus my boss took us out for drinks after in the tour bus! Also got to hangout with my good mate Cory and his girlfriend, hadn't seen him since middle school and he has since found out that like me; IBD is fucking with his life too (he has chron's :/). Scored the other promo girls numbers too ;), hopefully something good comes out of that I mean you never know even though they're both a fair bit older than I am. 

Got to visit my big sis Nessa at the frat house she's living at for the summer. Mind  you this one doesn't have the greatest reputation from what I here from my girls at UW, but she says the rep thing is bollocks and they're total gentleman. Knowing how Nessa is, I suppose I'll trust her judgement of their character and make friends with them. Also got to see some of my new mates from Sig Rho (from the Frat House Blues post) while we were walking the Ave. It's good for me to get out, otherwise I get all depressed and shit. 

Oh and I passed my Rockwell final exams! Actually got a 92.5% :D. So now I just need to pass the state exam and I'll be a licensed broker :D :D :D. With my modeling shoot tomorrow for the Muckleshoot Casino commercial (I nailed the audition), plus working for AT&T at Gay Pride this weekend (brand promotion) I'm going to be a busy busy busy guy. But hey, I'm sure I'll get a chance to rock Fallout New Vegas soon, hopefully anyway...

When the bag gets you down, just remember you have BAG SWAGG ;). 

Empties: Five so far

Burps: Two

Where's the Asylum?

Well it has been one hectic road since i last posted. I tried out a variety of new products including Ostomy Armor, the Stealth Belt, and Easi-Close Wide grip pouches. Let me just say I only recommend one of the three. The Stealth Belt is by no means perfect, matter of fact I punched a wall again when I first got it. It's bloody complicated to figure out at first, and I'm still trying to get the hang of it. However once you figure it out (and the associated weight guesstimation of when you need an empty, it's actually pretty ill. I was checking it out in the bathroom at the gym (shirtless), and this dude came in and asked what it was, (no locker rooms but a 17$ fee a month? fuck yes!). He had no idea I was wearing a pouch! It also gave me the opportunity to educate him on my disease, guy's daughter dated a guy for five years who had Chron's, he still didn't know what it was... Annnnnyway, I'm still reserving complete judgement on the Stealth Belt just because I'm waiting for something to go wrong haha, I did get some kind of cut on the bottom of my stoma (and it was big) and it bled out onto my pouch because I took the belt off; it was cool though because while it was bleeding under my wafer in class it never got past the belt :). I did go get checked out by the surgeon and he said everythang was cool! I also tried to show my classmates the pictures I took of "King" with the cut on him while a pouch was off, needless to say I may have taken it a little far with my edumacation.

Now onto things that I'm doing, totally getting my Real Estate Brokers License! Class is pretty easy honestly, it's pretty sick too, the owner of the hookah bar I used to always go too with those Bellevue twats who shall not be named is in it. He's super chill and Muslim just like me, he actually took me, my business partner and this giant firefighter named Gary out to lunch at a brilliant Mediterranean place. It's been hard because I've still been weak from surgery but... I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to show people that nothings going to stop me!

I also filed my first lawsuit, which was really exciting! It was against above unnamed Bellevue twat haha, he's going to get quite the surprise when I have him served with those papers!

Skipped my new agency modeling audition today, I decided sleep was more important, I have one for the Muckleshoot Casino tomorrow from Emerald City, and then Saturday I have to work Warped Tour for Trojan Condoms. It should be pretty fun, plus I'm looking forward to a ton of free samples ;). I def need to test out sex and my new belt!

Forgive! It doesn't erase their crime, but why the FUCK should you do the time?

Empties: Only two so far??? Although I have ate really, really lightly!

Burps: None

Frat House Blues (Yes I Stole That From Fallout!)

well i almost lost the time challenge i give myself to always, always, ALWAYS! beat coloned individuals in the bathroom (i mean granted i was a little toasted but... i digress) i did win in the few milliseconds that i had left before he left the stall though! but that's not really the start of my story

so i was hanging with my business partner and a couple other friends yesterday and got an invitation out to one of the frats and everybody wanted to go along, seems like the start to a great night right?

well we decided to go to radioshack because a couple friends work there, and while i was there i decided to empty my pouch, now unfortunately the toilet didn't work (clogged) now this wasn't my fault at all! but obviously i didn't want to get pegged for it, but unfortunately the guys didn't want to leave just yet and wouldn't you know it, i totally got caught, funny thing is; I didn't care! we made fun of our buddy who worked there (he had to unclog the toilet and go in with a gas mask bandanna) and took film, but instead of hassling me about it, even he thought it was a riot (after he got over the initial irritation)

anyway after that i had some rather not so fun pancaking issues because of my jeans belt and thick stool, it kind of irritated me and i almost didn't want to go out, but i did and ended up having an amazing time! i swear this is like fate or something because i was just posting about this on UOAA, but a super cute blonde grabbed me on the dance floor, after we were done and we got to talking, turns out she has chron's! not that it's a good thing at all, but at the same time i was happy to meet someone that's dealing with the same issues i am, oh and when we were dancing, as paranoid as i was about it, no problems from the ostomy at all! (I was a little afraid it would explode on her, stranger things have happened).

also went to mcdonalds after the party, no big deal unlike when i had colitis, oh but btw, if any of you have to do an empty at a frat house, totally not the place, Sigma Rho expected us to pee in the dark, and people kept calling me so my flashlight app wouldn't work, also no TP and i'm meticulous about cleaning not only my tips but a bit on the inside as well

I was drunk and didn't count my empties, but here's an estimate

Empties: Five

Burps: Two, (started sticking gas-x in my pouch, but it's good to have a little bit of gas in there so things drain properly, as weird as it feels)

Stress Stress Stress

My mom freaked out at me today... It was really, really annoying. She's been freaking out at me the past few days though; absolutely no warning she just starts yelling about the dumbest shit! This time it was about being rude to my little sister (she's twelve and very demanding). Absolutely all I did was say, "hey I'm in the middle of something, I'll take you to Starbucks after I'm done". Remember all those times you didn't bother complaining to the manager at a restaurant because your waiter was an asshole or incompetent or whatevs? I guess I get to see that complaining goes a long way, I swear when I'm President I'm going to outlaw it, grow the fuck up and stick it up your arse (in my case that would be impossible I don't have a butt ;)).

Anyway I "may" have taken a few hyndromorphone pills (this is important because I'm technically off the pain meds). I felt much better afterwards! Thing is I think I may have low serotonin levels, I am missing quite a few vital gut parts and supposedly that's important for happy chems production. I just feel very empty inside at times, one of the few things that keeps me going is I have to make it; not for myself but so I can show everybody that my brother and sister ostomates are the biggest achievers out there! I want to make this disease and surgery the least taboo thing you can think of, and that practically means changing human nature itself. 

My buddy Kellan had his house for the night today, I could have gone there and I'm sure we could have had a great time. My friend Anukul from the U also was having his 22nd bday part tonight, and while I could have skipped the bar (since I don't have a fake) a great after party was planned. Weird thing was I didn't even think of it till now, considering how extroverted I had become in the two years when the disease got the worst... I just hope I haven't lost it...

Addendum Time! My stats for today: 

Bag Empties: Five (leaving out the usual empty before bedtime)

Bag Gas Releases: Three

At the end of every blogpost that I write from now on I'm going to be posting a little addendum (kind of a liability waiver), this blog... it's full of (or will be full of) swear words, sex, parties, fights, my true feelings on matter etc. etc. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but you know what? When you have some crazy disease that nearly kills you everybody expects you to be this huge role model when you come out of it. They want you to be... There's no other word for it, a Hero. I plan on being that, but I also plan on doing crazy, awesome shit, I plan on being a bro tool sometimes, on being a dick. We ostomates, we can be regular people too, having a poop bag doesn't have to stop you from living life to the fullest (and not just in angelic terms) I plan on leading the example. You know that game Elder Scrolls Oblivion? Where the Imperial Legion soldiers always scream "Remember the Emperor!" when they fight? Well here's my counter, REMEMBER... THE... OSTOMATES!!! Party King Juma out, (man I'm such a nerd...)